Gorilla Suitor

Happy National Gorilla Suit Day. Things are pretty quiet around here. I'll try to find something interesting to talk about tomorrow.

Recommended Reading

I just picked up Uncle John's Presents... Book of the Dumb 2, one of this year's releases from the Bathroom Readers Institute. This is a book chock full of Grooisms, guaranteed to make anything you've done seem positively brilliant by comparison. Hey, I may have superglued my pantyhose to my leg, but at least I've never stuck a lit cigarette lighter under my bed with all the flammable box springs and dust bunnies, inadvertently lighting the house I am renting on fire. Suddenly the lobster fork incident doesn't seem so bad.

By the way, I heartily recommend the entire Uncle John series. They're books of 1-5 page articles on pretty much any subject you can imagine. Book of the Dumb 2 is devoted entirely to stupid things people have done, but there are 17 Bathroom Readers (put out each November) that cover a wide variety of general knowledge. There are also volumes devoted entirely to history, famous people living and dead, Texas, science, and the Presidency. And for those of you who, like me, can't wait a year between installments, there is Mental-Floss, a bi-monthly magazine. This month, they discuss the history of the paper clip.

From the Recipe Box

From the Hostess website, here's a recipe for anyone who has ever thought that the one thing that would make a Twinkie better is a bit of booze. The site also has a recipe for making Black Forest cake from Suzy-Qs and a snail and pond scene out of HoHos and caramels. There is such a thing as too much free time.

Must-See Movie

Of course I intend to go see Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith this May. If it turns out to be practical, I intend to go to the midnight showing. However, Star Wars is not the only must-see movie of the year. There's also one coming out this summer with penguins leading a zoo jailbreak and hijacking a ship, and as we all know, any movie that prominently features penguins is a must-see. I even sat through that Batman movie they let Tim Burton direct because it had actual live penguins in it, though they turned out to be the only redeeming feature of the film (and I was not fooled for a minute by the little people in penguin suits!). Here's a link to the trailer for my #2 movie pick of the year, Madagascar, the movie that promises to have the best animated penguins since Mary Poppins.

Complaints, Complaints

Salon has a summary of the 36 complaints from the Parents Television Council that the FCC rejected. Several are tasteless, but I wouldn't call them obscene.

10 were solely over the use of the word "dick," and all as insults, not anatomical references. OK, nine "dick" and one "dickhead." In eight of the ten incidents, it was a generic mild insult directed at a particular character, along the lines of "scruffy looking nerf herder." One instance was a play on the fact that "dick" is also slang for "detective." Only one involved a double entendre.

My personal favorite: the complaint about the phrase "invasive vaginal exam," in reference to an actual medical invasive vaginal exam.

Appliance Postscript

Who on Earth decided white was a good color for kitchen appliances? Of all the rooms in a house that should not be white.

Now I've Seen Everything

It's amazing what they're doing with household appliances these days. For instance, an oven/cooktop/fridge in one. I'll let you read that again so it sinks in. Whirlpool makes an oven that doubles as a refrigerator. Tell me there isn't a wasted step in there somewhere. And are you supposed to keep a box of baking soda in your oven now? The principle is that you put your casserole in the fridge/oven in the morning to keep the food all nice and safely chilled until the timer on the oven kicks in and cooks it so it's hot and ready when you get home. So much for hoping for the best, food-poisoning wise, with the time bake setting. Then again, I have a $30 crock pot that also lets me have a hot, home-cooked supper waiting when I get home from a long day. By my count, that saves me $1650.00. On the other hand, there's something to be said for a self-cleaning refrigerator, and that definitely solves the problem of cleaning out a sufficient hole in the fridge to thaw your turkey for Thanksgiving.

Whoops! There Goes Another $80 Billion

Why are we still funding our two wars with emergency appropriations? This is no longer an emergency. This emerged three years ago. We were there at the beginning of this fiscal year; odds are we'll still be there come the end of this fiscal year. The fact that we might need to fork over some cash to pay for it should not be a surprise.

I'm Sorry Dave. I'm Afraid I Can't Do That

Today we spent $50 to learn two very important related lessons about our computer.

Lesson 1
Windows automatically makes three users on the computer during setup: the user you set up with the computer and probably use daily, a guest user, and an administrator. The computer will automatically boot up with the user you created, but there are two others.

Lesson 2
The spyware/adware/virus checker will only check and destroy spyware/adware/viruses on the user you are currently logged in on when you sweep. If you only run them on what boots up when you hit the power button, the guck will either reinstall itself or just hide out.

So even though we diligently sweep our computer weekly, 63 pieces of adware/spyware/etc. were gumming up the works from the Administrator setting, a setting I did not realize we even had. In spite of what they think at work, I'm not really all that great with computers.

The final lesson for everyone, and use it freely since we paid for it: when you clean out your computer (as I'm sure we all do regularly), make sure you scrub all your computer's users.

If you already knew this, please don't make me feel any more stupid than I already do.

This Just In: FCC Grows Spine

So it comes out that there are broadcast decency standards, after all. After the nipple dust-up last year, I wasn't sure, but now I am. The FCC has denied 36 complaints from the Parents Television Council, concerning Friends, The Simpsons, and Gilmore Girls (3 shows I've not watched, so I can't speak to whether they might be objectionable or not), proving that the FCC has broadcast decency standards and some things really do fall within those standards. Turns out that the criteria for being obscene is more stringent than "someone who does nothing but watch TV all day waiting to get offended writes a letter to complain about it and has different people send it to the FCC 25 times." For a while there, I was starting to wonder.

Double Standard

Do you think that, when Merck pharmeceuticals was applying for over-the-counter approval for Mevacor, anyone wanted proof that having a cholesterol-lowering drug available without a prescription would not affect the way people ate? Did they even consider that easily-available cholesterol-lowering regimens might have people eating cheeseburgers dripping with mayonaise with a side of deep-fried pie on a daily basis and saying "Screw a healthy diet! Who needs to watch cholesterol intake? I can just pick up a pack of Mevacor and I'll be fine."

Mevacor had other, bigger, problems that will probably preclude OTC approval. Still, why are some now-prescription drugs subject to the "won't lead to people being more careless about their health" test during their OTC application and others get a pass?

And while we're on the subject of federally-required labelling and double standards, one of the standards for getting a prescription drug approved for OTC sales is that people can understand and follow the instructions on the label. On the other hand, they also require food labels to carry allergen warnings, even on the most obvious allergen-containing products or products where the allergen is clearly listed among the ingredients. Basically, the FDA assumes I am intelligent enough to understand "take one caplet every 8-12 hours...do not take more than 2 caplets in any 8-12 hours or 3 caplets in 24 hours" (actual dosing instructions on Naproxen), but not so intelligent that I understand that my peanut butter may contain peanuts, or my wheat germ may contain wheat, without a bold-type warning. Tell me that makes sense.

Survey sez...

All I intend to say about this article is that I am in no way surprised, just taking a little comfort that it is not unanimous yet.

The Otters Are Coming

This was news to me. Ohio is being overrun by river otters. To be fair, at the moment, Ohio is being overrun by rivers, with or without otters. In spring, the wildlife council will be taking up a proposal to allow trapping of the once-endangered animals that are now toeing the line between "critter" and "vermin." Until then, though, otter-trapping is still illegal, and to that end, the wildlife council has put out this brochure for beaver trappers. Along with the instructions on how to set beaver traps to avoid snaring otters, it includes a quick lesson in how to recognize otter puke. Never know when that's going to be a question on Final Jeopardy.

Phone Home

The penguins are not having a good day. First it was the icebergs blocking the way to the feeding grounds, now they've lost phone service. A communications satellite went missing and cut the link to Scott Base and presumably the nearby Adelie penguin rookery. No word on whether it also affected McMurdo, the American research base also on Ross Island.

The Math Doesn't Lie

If you're one of the many people around me who seem to be having a rough couple weeks, you can take comfort in knowing that math is with you. Someone at Cardiff University has developed a mathematical formula that pinpoints the worst day of the year. Turns out it's next Monday (appropriately, I have a staff meeting that day). So take comfort: we're almost through the worst part of the year, so after next week, it has to get better. Nice to know that the year hits bottom right away so we don't have to waste too much time on the craptacular.

On a related note, we never got the Killer Pointsettia this year. However, the spirit of the Killer Pointsettia has possessed the appliances at the office. Saturday, the fridge went. Since then, the fridge has taken the furnace and the clothes dryer down with it.

A Day For Everything

Happy Penguin Awareness Day. Don't forget there's only 11 days until National Gorilla Suit Day.

The Craw

This may open a big can of worms, but it's been stuck in my craw lately. In connection with a suit that was just heard in front of the Supreme Court, there has been more talk than usual about the role of mitigating circumstances in criminal prosecutions, particularly how evidence of mitigating circumstances might affect the sentence someone gets for committing a crime. I have a real problem stomaching the whole concept of mitigating circumstances (and, in a related note, "hate crimes" but we'll get into that).

The basic concept of the judicial system is that it should be fair. If justice isn't fair, we've got nothing (and yes I know there are problems). The fundamental principle of fairness is that everyone is treated the same, so two people who do the same thing should get the same sanction or reward. The reasons that a person does what he does has no bearing on the effect the action has on society, so the motives should not affect the consequences to that person. As an example, let's just say that two people each kill someone. One of the murderers has a low IQ, and one is of average intelligence (assuming both have been found competent). If mental ability is considered as a mitigating circumstance, the fact of the one person's low IQ may lead to a shorter sentence. Now, both committed the same crime; what is the logic of one being denied more freedom because he is smarter than the other guy? If the low-IQ person did not know that killing someone was wrong, that's all the more reason to impress upon him the lesson that it is. After the fact isn't the optimal time to start inculcating this, but if we haven't started before, we have to start sometime.

My biggest problem with mitigating circumstances is that they are rarely unique. More people than we want to think are abused as children. There are a lot of people who have mental illnesses or mental retardation (or whatever we're calling that today). Most of these people manage to lead, if not productive lives, at least non-destructive lives. In the case before the Supreme Court, one of the issues was that counsel failed to present evidence of a neglectful childhood in a bad neighborhood, or the man's diagnosis of schizophrenia. Utter hooey. How many schizophrenics are there who don't stab a person then light them on fire? My guess would be lots. Same with people who have tough childhoods. Jiminy crackers, most people have tough childhoods--some more so than others, but childhood is a tough time (for that matter, adulthood is no walk in the park either). Yet somehow most people manage to follow the rules.

From the "How Stupid Do You Have to Be" File

Pop quiz: you're on a top-rated nationally-televised TV show and win $1.1 million dollars, and are further paid $300,000 to co-host a radio program. Do you:
A. bask in the media attention that your winning makes and report the prize money on line 21 of your federal income tax return for that year as "other income."
B. Bask in the media attention and assume that no one at the IRS watches CBS or reads the news since they all live under rocks and can't get over-the-airwaves broadcasts of Survivor.

If you answered A, you agree with the Internal Revenue Service. If you answered B, you would have done what Richard Hatch, the winner of the first Survivor, did. As if it were not frightening enough that you would do something that a man who ate rats on national television did, you would also be facing 10 years in jail and a half million dollars in fines. For those of you keeping score at home, yes, this is how they got Al Capone. The principle is the same: if you can't nail him for sparking this whole Reality TV thing, nail him on tax evasion.

Good News

They've agreed to sell us the house. Barring a bad home inspection (and for everyone who's asked, yes, we've had every intention from the start of getting a thorough home inspection) or something unforeseen going awry with converting our mortgage preapproval into actual funds, the house is ours. Bad news: can't move in until mid-April, which may create a small employment gap.

Sure Beats Green Cheese

Seems Saturn's moon Titan has the consistency of creme brulee: soft and spongy topped with a thin, crispy crust. This, of course, leads me to contemplate other planet/dessert analogies.

Mercury: Swizzle sticks or rock candy
Earth: Caramel-filled cream puff
Io (one of Jupiter's moons): Cherries jubilee
Europa: Creamsicle
Pluto: Snow cone