Slender Walk Tip

As some of you already know, I've gone to the Other Side and am now making phone calls. I'd like to clarify that I am not a telemarketer or a solicitor of any kind. I make appointments for someone else to meet with people. Sure, this distinction is lost on a lot of people when they answer the phone. Also, I rarely cold-call. Most of the people I call have requested some information from the company.

Which brings me to my point for the day. If you initiate contact with a business to get information about their products or services, just assume that they intend to use any information you give them. Most businesses have neither the time nor the inclination to collect your contact information just for the sheer joy they get from having it. If you give them your address, assume you will be put on their mailing list. If you provide a phone number, assume they will give you a follow up call. If you give an email address, expect an email or two from them. In short, if you do not want people to call you, don't give them your phone number. Just because there is a line for something, that does not mean that you have to put something on that line.

Okay. Rant over.

In Other Irony-Laden News

In the final two paragraphs of this article in the Men's Health section of the New York Times, we find the irony of the week: bemoaning that non-pharmaceutical treatments for premature ejaculation take too long.

Really.

Backyard

I've upped the unofficial bunny count to four. Tonight, I saw two juveniles nibbling at the spots I missed with the lawnmower. Before tonight, I've only seen one juvenile at a time, but apparently there are at least two. Since we are talking about rabbits here, I'm not surprised to find out there are more than I first thought.

In the News

A 28-year-old woman is suing a radio station in Lexington, Kentucky, after the "100 Grand" prize she won by being the 10th caller turned out to be a Nestle's 100 Grand candy bar. The station later offered her $5,000 (presumably in addition to said candy bar), but she is having none of it. She is quoted in the article as saying "Nobody would watch and listen for two hours for a candy bar." Yes, and on the other hand, no radio station would fork over 1,000 Benjamins to a person for just listening to the radio for a couple hours. I seem to recall the contests for anything more valuable than a pair of concert tickets tend to be rather involved. In one of my former radio station markets, there was a three-stage contest just for a set of patio furniture. The car they gave away each summer, worth maybe half of what this woman expected to win, required a three-month commitment to listening to the station to pass all stages of the contest.

The article also states:

Before her family went to sleep that night, Gill says, she promised her children — ages 1, 5 and 11 — that they'd have a minivan, a shopping spree, a savings account and a home with a back yard.

"What hurts me is they were going to get me in front of my children, all dressed up, and hand me a candy bar, after all those promises I made to them," she told the Lexington Herald-Leader. "You just don't do that to people."

Again, as much as I want to feel for this woman for having been taken in by a radio contest, I can't help wondering how she thinks $100,000 will buy a minivan, home with back yard, and a shopping spree with enough left over for a savings account.

Not Making This Up

Browsing the "Gifts and Flowers/For the Pet" category over at www.overstock.com, I found several dog leashes, pet carriers, puppy treats...and a clarinet.

Granted, when I was first learning the clarinet in the fifth grade, my father compared it rather unfavorably to a goose call, so there is an argument to be made that a beginner's clarinet may be animal-related merchandise. However, to my knowledge, woodwinds are generally not considered pet supplies. However, I will defer to any musicians out there (ahem, you know who you are) to correct me if I am mistaken.

I'm Back Again

Sorry for ignoring you all lately. Sometimes, earning a living has to take priority over funny stuff on the internet. However, in good news, I quit the time-sucking, energy-sapping, spirit-crushing job in favor of something slightly less spirit-crushing with much better (and shorter) hours. For instance, today, I put in a full day's work in just over an hour. This should leave me with more time for other projects, including the blog and a few things I will tell you more about later.

This Day in History

On this day in 1778, the American forces took back Philadelphia from the British, thus paving the way for the Philly cheesesteak pizza.

Remember when cheeesteaks were sandwiches and caesars were salads?

Stupid eBay Tricks

There are currently 14 Darth Vader "Who's Your Daddy?" posters up on eBay. It's more fun to get your poster by seeing the movie. Keeps getting better every time we see it.

Doubtless, there are hundreds of other people hoarding their posters in hopes of fetching a nice chunk of change after the promo is over. A message to them: ain't going to happen. There are too many of you out there hoarding for your stashes to be worth much of anything. Having a collection is nice, but investments are why they invented the Roth IRA.

Marketing genius

Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith has been out in theaters for a month, and this weekend is up against the opening of the latest Batman movie, another potential summer blockbuster aimed squarely at the comic book/sci-fi crowd. How is Star Wars to compete for the geek box office dollar against what is probably its stiffest competition for fanboys and fangirls of the summer? By pretending to ignore Batman while offering an exclusive promo over the weekend in honor of Father's Day (happy Father's Day, Dad). See Star Wars at participating theaters this weekend and you can get this free poster featuring "Cinema's most notorious patriarch" with the phrase "Who's Your Daddy?" It really is a neat addition to any Star Wars art collection, or if you just like offbeat wall coverings. It's certainly worth the price of admission. LucasFilm's marketing division is really playing up that this poster will never be available except to ticket-buyers this weekend, and the artwork will never appear in another American Episode III poster. The art on the Vader/Who's Your Daddy t-shirt isn't nearly as nice.

And, yes, we'll be going tonight. I bought the tickets and got the poster yesterday. This only makes three times we've seen Episode III since it opened.

Don't Go There

Dressing one's puppy up is bad enough, but the pet slave Leia costume...that's just plain wrong on several levels.

Warning: Massive Time Suck

If you know what is good for you, you will not click this link and definitely will not download the Descartes Enigma or Descartes Rainbow games. If you ever want to see your loved ones again, you will not start playing those games.

Bull in a China Shop

Yesterday at work they set me to washing several thousand dollars worth of bone china tea sets.

When a blog entry starts like that, you can guarantee the tale does not end well. Actually, it does not even begin well. In short, I now hold the store's land speed record for fastest breakage of china, though not the most expensive breakage incident. The fourth thing I picked up, a $35 green saucer, flew right out of my hand and slammed edge-on into a metal mixing bowl, taking a hefty chip out of the side of the saucer.

This is why I own Melmac dishes.

Chew on This

Tomorrow, 1,365 days will have passed since September 11, 2001. Why, you ask, is this food for ponderage? That is the same amount of time that elapsed between Pearl Harbor and the unconditional surrender of Japan.

No comment. Just think about that.

Sunday Drivers

One of the difficult things about moving all around the country is getting used to the way people drive in different places. In Omaha, Nebraska, they used what I called the "Nebraska turn." An accepted method of executing an unprotected left turn there was to inch one's car into the middle of the intersection, wait for the light cycle, and run the red. Here in Ohio, speed limits are completely irrelevant. People will go 10 miles under or 10 miles over, but never right on.

GMAC gave a mock written driver's exam to drivers around the country, and one in 10 failed, which extrapolates out to about 20 million people on the road who have no idea what they are doing there. Oregon drivers ranked #1 with an average score of 89%, and only 1-3% failed the test. Granted, that may just mean most know when they are violating traffic laws.

Some states I know some of you will be interested in:
Washington: 2
Delaware: 3-way tie for 35
California: 43
The full list of rankings is here.

Still Here

I know I haven't been posting much around here lately. Unfortunately, I'm allocating most of my time to a few paying projects, notably a new full time job, leaving less time to probe the internet for bloggable items. I'll try to keep up with the posting better. My new job is with an outfit I can best describe as a combination specialty coffee roaster and gourmet food store. Though we will brew lattes, etc, the focus is on a really great cup of coffee, which bears no resemblance to a venti triple half-caf skinny extra whip mocha. We're so snobby about our coffee, we order it in English and drink it black.

Here's one for the "That takes chutzpah" file. On my first day of work, a high school kid came in inquiring about potential summer employment. The manager brushed her off with something about not hiring under-18-year-olds because the store also sells alcohol. That is true, as is the fact that the store does not generally hire summer help anyway. However, the big strike against her is that she came in to a gourmet coffee roaster carrying some sort of Starbucks beverage. That's roughly equivalent to going to Chanel for a job wearing the latest trends from Target. They don't hold it against me that I still brew Starbucks coffee in the morning at home, only because I'm drinking through the eight pounds I bought before I knew any better.

Our Tax Dollars at Work

Having read this article through, I feel safer knowing that the TSA airport screeners interrogate travelers about their barbecue meat consumption. Ascertaining that travelers have eaten at the appropriate Texas barbecue restaurants is so much better than using the taxpayer-funded time trying to keep air travel safe.

Next up: the Shoe Phone

Someone finally invented a practical Cone of Silence, and it looks like it won't hit you on the head when it activates.

Movie News

This is going to be a good summer for movies. Just got back from seeing Madagascar. The penguins were, of course, the highlight of the 86 minutes. They should have ditched the lion/zebra/hippo/hypochondriac giraffe storyline and just done the penguin escape and the lemurs. The zebra going to Connecticut in search of the Wild was mildly amusing, but nothing to keep up an entire film. The psychotic penguins bent on escape, tunnelling out of Manhattan with plastic ice cream spoons then hijacking an ocean liner and landing on an island full of lemurs ruled by the batcrap nuts King of all Lemurs--that's a movie. Unfortunately, since the theater was not even half full on opening day, prospects do not seem bright for a Madagascar II: Attack of the Penguins.

Study says...

We've all looked for Waldo. Now researchers at MIT have shown how we find him.

In the News

FDA Looking Into Blindness-Viagra Link

Insert your own "it'll make you go blind" joke here.

Also, "looking into blindness link"? I can't figure out if someone was trying to be amusing or just didn't consider at least three appropriate verbs that would not have created a bad pun.

Note on the Ads

If I had any control over the advertisements that pop up on the right there, I would not currently be displaying an ad for a website offering downloads of Star Wars Episode III. Given that the movie has been on theaters for just a week now, I'm reasonably certain LucasArts has not authorized an online release. It may be a violation of the terms I have with Google AdSense, but let me make it perfectly clear that I in no way support any sites that provide pirated movies, especially not ones that can't seem to handle the traffic they generate. Besides, for goodness sake, you need to see Episode III on the big screen.

For the Record

Most of us Star Wars fans are smarter than this. Most of us know to use polycarbonate for the blade if one intends to make a semi-functional lightsaber. They give Darwin Awards for doing things far less stupid than dueling with glass fluorescent light tubes filled with an undisclosed flammable substance.

Strange What You Remember

When ME posted the news of Howard Morris' passing earlier this week, Elie saw it before I did. When he told me, the conversation went something like this:

"Howard Morris just died."
"Who?"
"Howie Morris. From Sid Caesar's Your Show of Shows."
Baffled look from me. Throough a minor oversight, I've only seen about 45 seconds of any Sid Caesar program. That will be rectified.
"He was in High Anxiety."
Another blank look.
"Earnest T. Bass on the Andy Griffith Show."
Nothing.
It went on like this through a good chunk of Howard Morris' extensive filmography, until Elie got to, "He was Wade Duck in Garfield and Friends."
"No, that wasn't him. That was..." My brain, scanning the cast list of my favorite Saturday morning cartoon show, finally caught up with my mouth. That was Howard Morris. "Wade Duck is dead?"
"All that, and you say 'Wade Duck is dead'?"

Fly the Sweaty Skies

I'm all for physical fitness, but airline travel is bad enough with the screaming infants and people reclining the seat in front of me until my tray table jabs me in the gut. Now I run the risk that the guy in the seat next to me just left the gym.

Recommended Reading

Here's an article in the Washington Post about the fashion of Star Wars: specifically, the fashion of Group #2, the ones who wait in line for Star Wars dressed as Stormtroopers, Jedi, galactic senators, or assorted Sith Lords.

While I am not in the class of people who have forked over "thousands of dollars" for stormtrooper armor (and, incidentally, the full suit is only about $800-$900 on eBay), I have been known to sport the Leia buns for special occasions. All right, I've worn the Hoth hair and the Massassi Temple Scene 'do to work before. I do the Bespin Braids, too, but not very often because they remind me of a basset hound. Then there was that one time at a comic book convention when Sergio Aragones noticed a passing resemblance between my outfit and one of his characters.

The author of the Post article notes that adults who dress up have "a remarkably high threshold for public embarassment." Not really. On paper, perhaps there appears to be something odd about wearing a belt made out of styrofoam and aluminum foil, but once you're roaming the halls of a Hilton, it's no big deal. It's not like you're wearing lime-green and lavender paisley. That would be embarassing.

Addendum to Previous Post

No, Ann O., I'm still not getting a goat to take care of my lawn for me.

More Mundane Stuff of Life

For the first time in my life, I have mown a lawn, all 2.14 acres of it. By the time I got to the front yard, I think I really had the whole mowing thing down. The back yard, however, looks like crop circles made by a drunk alien.

Star Wars

I've been out of the theater for five hours now, which gives me a little time to digest Episode III, catch a catnap, and wait for the midnight showings to end on the West coast. Don't worry. I'm not going to blog anything that might ruin the surprises (and, in spite of knowing where everything must lead, there are a few surprises). Part of the reason we went to the 12:01 a.m. showing was to avoid dodging spoilers, so I won't put any out there myself. Mostly, though, we arranged to be at the midnight showing because it was the midnight showing.

What an experience! The crowd divided into three distinct groups:
1. The drunk college kids. They're the ones who like Yoda because he's so Zen and who bring the toy lightsabers so they could make penis jokes while waiting for the Coming Attractions. The largest contingent of these were, unfortunately, seated directly in front of me and on my right. These are the rowdy ones, and I think they would go to any movie with a midnight showing. These people can spot each other because they've previously bonded over mutual alcohol poisoning.
2. The fanboys and fangirls. They're the convention-goers, the ones who dressed for the occasion and brought the lightsabers to stage impromptu duels in the front rows waiting for the Coming Attractions. One was there dressed as the Death Star. Me, I wore my t-shirt from Episode I and the cinnamon bun hairdo (all my own hair). Elie proudly wore his t-shirt from last year's Star Wars Fan Breakfast. Fanboys and fangirls can spot each other at 50 yards, because whether it is Jedi robes, a Star Wars shirt, or a George Lucas costume, we all wear the uniform. I was mildly disappointed that there were no stormtroopers.
3. The people who saw Star Wars in the theater in 1977 and seriously want to see how the saga ends (middles?). These people deserved their own exclusive theater away from the rest of us. You could tell this group because they were, as a rule, at least 20 years older than the rest of us.

I won't say too much about the content of the movie to spare those who haven't seen it yet. It was exactly the movie I wanted to complete the saga. Everything fell into place while still leaving enough wiggle room for my imagination to go wild for the rest of my life. I got answers without definitive answers, and that is far more satisfying than it sounds.

Of course there were things to dislike, but they were the same things that there were to dislike about the other five movies. No one should be surprised at that. That is just part of the Star Wars experience.

When you do go see Episode III, you will do yourself a load of good if you leave the "Darth Vader (or Palpatine) is George W. Bush" at the concession stand. I'm not saying that line is complete malarky, but at least on the first viewing, just keep your mind on the here and now. Enjoy what is before you. The Star Wars films have always had more than a hint of topicality to them, and that is one of the hallmarks of great sci-fi, but more than that, they're wonderful movies that tell a story we've been replaying since the dawn of organized government. Watch them at least once just to appreciate the story they're telling. Later you can go back and try to figure out which political figure corresponds to Mace Windu.

Let Me Get This Straight

Apparently, the US House of Representatives thinks that only straight males can wage war. How else can one explain why, in a time when the Army can't even meet its quota of warm bodies in uniforms, the House has put forth a measure that would further restrict the Army jobs to which female recruits could be assigned?

Episode III Countdown

14 hours, 37 minutes.

Yet More 888-872-2629

I'm glad I could help everyone with these pesky and very persistent Chase telemarketers who keep calling from 888-872-2629. I am a touch concerned that several people seem to be jumping mighty quickly to filing FTC complaints, though.

Registering with the National Do Not Call registry does not mean that no one can call you. Even if your number is registered, there are still certain telemarketers who are allowed to call you.

If you have any of the credit cards offered by Chase or Bank One (they're both owned by the same company), these telemarketers can call you if you have made a purchase or payment on the card in the last year and a half even if your number is on the national Do Not Call registry. You can request that Chase not call you, and the company must comply. I have not found in the regulations any mention of whether that compliance must start immediately upon the request or if the company is allowed some sort of processing window, but I imagine there probably is since there is a 30-day window on DNC registrations. Chase's automated system notifies callers to allow 30 days for the request to take effect, so I would suggest not lodging any formal complaints with the federal government until the 30 days are up. Until then, turn the phone's ringer to low or off if you don't want to be disturbed.

Remember: the more complaints that the FTC receives on companies that are not, in fact, in violation of the Telemarketing Sales Rule, the less time they have to go after legitimate violators. Before lodging a complaint, please make certain that the company is in fact in violation.

What I Did Today

Today, for the first time in the eight years I've been living on my own, I locked myself out of the house. Conveniently, it was the day after Elie finished installing the pick-proof locks on all the outside doors. Also conveniently, it was the first time Elie has ever left the house without his cell phone. Good thing I only locked myself out of the house, not the garage, and a magazine came in the mail.

Rant of the Day

The New York Times has an intriguing op-ed piece about the importance of writing skills in the modern workplace.

I've spent much of my working life as the one in the office who covers for the others who can't write well. However, unlike the scenario presented in the article, my employers have never cared whether I could write when they hired me. Somewhere down the line, they find out I have a knack for effective written communication, and writing everyone's business correspondence becomes part of my job. I don't mind. I enjoy writing and I'm good at it.

The op-ed is right that people need more training in effective written communication, but not for the reasons it suggests. Employers do not see writing as a job skill. Touch typing is a skill. Operating Microsoft Word is a skill. Writing--well, if you can touch type and operate Word, you can write. At least that seems to be the majority opinion of employers. Formatting a business letter is a skill, but no one seems to prize the ability to compose that business letter in a clear, concise, interesting manner. People seem to believe that the ability to put words to a page, and to order those words into more or less proper sentences, is writing. Technically, that is correct. Of course, technically, my 14-month-old niece can speak, too, but no one is letting her deliver the keynote address to the board of directors.

If we took time to teach proper written communication, writing might finally be seen as the essential workplace skill that it is, and as something society values. People do not value what they do not have; if they valued it, they would take the time to acquire it. As it stands now, most people have no idea how atrocious their writing is, and I've seen some truly awful writing come from some people in high positions. Now, if the person on the other side of the interview table has gotten to where he or she is with only mediocre writing ability and doesn't even know how mediocre those abilities are, what are the chances that he or she is going to value better writing skills in a new hire? What are the chances that he or she will even consider written communication skills in the interview process?

The reason we need to teach written communication more is not to produce better writers, but to increase the value writing has in society.

Class Wars

The New York Times has an interesting interactive graphic that you can use to find out if you really are middle class (or whatever class you profess to being). It is somewhat subjective, as one of the four components of class relies on relative prestige rankings of various entirely unrelated occupations. For instance, an animal breeder ranks a 158, two points more prestigious than an artist. The prestige rankings are based on census surveys, but how many people sit there thinking, "Given the choice, would I prefer my daughter marry an urban planner or budget analyst?" The other three components are more straightforward and objective. The higher your education, income and assets, the higher the overall class score. Take it with a grain of salt, since it doesn't really matter all that much. Will knowing you are in the 61st percentile, making you technically upper middle class by this chart, mean you are any better than the person in the 59th percentile who is just middle class? Not really. Think of it as socioeconomic rubbernecking.

Has Sci-Fi Taught Us Nothing?

Scientists have now invented robots who can self-replicate. That's all they do: build more of themselves. I have an idea for everyone who worked on that project. Watch seasons 3-6 of Stargate SG-1. For those of you without the time or inclination to do that, just read the entry for Replicators in the Stargate Omnipedia.

Headlines

Sometimes the headlines make Irony Policing too easy. Two of the top 3 national news headlines on AOL at the moment are Greenpeace Found Guilty of Breaking Environmental Laws and Fired Worker Kills Ex-Colleauge at Mental Health Clinic.

Headline

Jesus Christ in Legal Battle in West Virginia

Seems Jesus Christ has moved and is attempting to get a driver's license in West Virginia. It's not going so well because his birth certificate still reads Peter Robert Phillips, Jr. and he had not yet received a legal name change in his former place of residence, Washington, DC. According to his attorney, "Christ is not speaking to the press at this time."

The Educational Corner

Here's a primer on lightsaber construction and household uses, including simultaneous slicing and toasting a bagel. Never reheat coffee with anything, even a lightsaber.

Speaking of Star Wars, though, Episode III opens next week. Do you have your tickets for the 12:01 a.m. showing? I do.

In Penguin News...

Chlamydia Strikes San Francisco Penguin Colony. Twelve of the Magellanic penguins have died, leaving 55 in the colony. Among penguins, this is not an STD, and keepers suspect gull guano.

Headline

New Study: Hell Not as Bad as We Thought

Lest I be accused of misleading you, that is a geology article dealing with what is known as the Hadean Eon and has nothing to do with theology or the afterlife. Catchy headline, though.

Grammar Cops on Patrol

Good to see that someone is taking care of this. Thanks to Karen for the link. I cringed every time I went into my former Laundromat and had to pass the sign posting the "hour's" of the establishment. Grammar policing can be a full time job, and while I am currently in search of one of those, I have yet to find a Grammar Policing position that actually pays.

Quick rule of apostrophes with the letter S: Used to indicate the possessive, or to indicate a contraction of a noun and the verb "is." If Frank has a dog, it is Frank's dog. If, on the other hand, Frank is the name of the pooch, it would be "Frank's a dog." The apostrophe is NOT used to indicate more than one of anything. When in doubt, ask yourself "Do I mean that there is more than one of this, or that something belongs to this?" If the former, there is no apostrophe. If the latter, the apostrophe is OK, with one exception: it's/its, where the apostrophe version is used only to indicate "it is" and the non-apostrophe is for all other uses.

My personal favorite of the grammar infractions posted on the above link are "You Chuck's Bitch?" which is just funny, and "What's in the Pu Pu?" which speaks to my Rule #3 of eating: never eat anything with the word "food" on the label (devil's food cake and angel food cake excepted). If they have to tell you it is food, such as "pasteurized process cheese food," then it is not. Incidentally, rule #1 is "Never eat seafood in a state that does not touch sea," and rule #2 is "Never eat anything that is or has been entrails."

More Dumb Ride Pimping

I've found something that looks even more stupid than one spinning hubcap on a beat up Corsica: two spinning hubcaps on the rear wheels of a Plymouth Voyager minivan. The Jesus bumper sticker and the grey haired 60-odd-year-old driver did not help the look any.

More Dumb Ride Pimping

I've found something that looks even more stupid than one spinning hubcap on a beat up Corsica: two spinning hubcaps on the rear wheels of a Plymouth Voyager minivan. The Jesus bumper sticker and the grey haired 60-odd-year-old driver did not help the look any.

Slender Walk Tip of the Week

Here's another phone number for you: 888-567-8688

No, this one shouldn't be calling you trying to offer credit protection insurance. It is a number the major credit bureaus have set up to allow you to opt out of prescreened credit card offers ("You are approved for a Visa Platinum card with 0% APR on balance transfers!") from all of them at once. When you call, it prompts you to enter your Social Security Number, which concerns some people, although the FTC has put out a statement that the phone number is legitimate.

An alternative, if you don't want to use the dial-in method, is to write to the credit bureaus individually with a request that your information not be shared for promotional purposes. This will not affect legitimate inquiries into your credit. Be sure to include any name variants you use, your current mailing address, any mailing addresses you have had in the past six months, your date of birth, and your Social Security number.

Equifax, Inc.
Options
PO Box 740123
Atlanta, GA 30374-0123

Experian
Consumer Opt-Out
701 Experian Parkway
Allen, TX 75013

Transunion
Marketing List Opt Out
PO Box 97328
Jackson, MS 39288-7328

Eventually, I hope to get the Slender Walk Tip of the Week off the subject of credit cards and telemarketers.

More News

An op-ed in the Christian Science Monitor asserts that Pell Grant allotments need to be increased, as does campaigns to make students more aware of them.

Having spent some time working in financial aid, and feeling more free to talk about my experiences now that I no longer am, I can say that, in my experience, lack of knowledge of the Pell Grant program's existence was not a problem. Students are aware of Pell Grants. I don't want to say they are too aware of them, but if the government is going to ramp up award amounts and publicity campaigns, they should really work on emphasizing that these are to assist the neediest students, not to pay the entire educational cost for anyone who fills out the application. Students are not necessarily underinformed, but many are misinformed.

Irony Alert

Usually, when a legislature votes to remedy some minor problem, my response is "I see we've managed to solve poverty, health care, the federal deficit, world hunger, war, and global warming, so we can move on to the big stuff." Today, I'm going to mix it up a little and instead, I'm going to ask if the Texas House of Representatives knows where it is located and what goes on there.

Texas, home of the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders, has voted to ban suggestive cheerleading.

The utter stupidity of that is so obvious, I would not have made it up, and if I had been so creatively tapped out to have come up with that on my own, I would never post it here. It does not come close to the standards I set for Penguin Perspectives. "Suggestive cheerleading banned by the home state of the cheerleading squad that very literally invented suggestive cheerleading." Too easy.

Too Dang Cute for Words

A whole website devoted to picking which kitten is cutest. Awwwww. Warning: major time suck.

Required (not recommended) Reading

Read this. It's in the New York Times, so the site asks you to register. If you don't want to register, www.bugmenot.com has a load of logins you can use. Just read it. It's important, especially if you have slapped anything reading "Support the Troops" on anything you own. You should probably know what you're supporting along with the--I'm certain loads of--fine men and women in uniform.

I sincerely hope the military can prove these are isolated incidents, that somehow one guy was in the right combination of places to see every bad apple in the entire global military operation. Otherwise--well, we have some problems, even if they can prove that. For one, I doubt "Support the Troops Who Aren't Sadistic Assholes" will fit on one of those ribbon-shaped car magnets.

Since some of you won't take the time to click the link and read through the whole piece, allow me to quote the final two paragraphs of the story so you see what I mean:

Mr. Delgado [a private in the Army Reserve, stationed in Iraq], who eventually got conscientious objector status and was honorably discharged last January, recalled a disturbance that occurred while he was working in the Abu Ghraib motor pool. Detainees who had been demonstrating over a variety of grievances began throwing rocks at the guards. As the disturbance grew, the Army authorized lethal force. Four detainees were shot to death.

Mr. Delgado confronted a sergeant who, he said, had fired on the detainees. "I asked him," said Mr. Delgado, "if he was proud that he had shot unarmed men behind barbed wire for throwing stones. He didn't get mad at all. He was, like, 'Well, I saw them bloody my buddy's nose, so I knelt down. I said a prayer. I stood up, and I shot them down.' "

Let me repeat that. "I saw them bloody my buddy's nose, so I knelt down. I said a prayer. I stood up, and I shot them down." There are so many things wrong with that, I don't know where to start.

On a side note, people like the sergeant are one of the reasons I gave up organized religion.

Note to Every Dentist I've Ever Had...

Read this. Ha.

Trailer Gem

My apologies for not having posted more regularly this week. Honestly, though, trash day was about the most interesting thing I had going, unless you count almost running over a guy on a tricycle going down the freeway in a no-shoulder construction zone.

We caught Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy this afternoon. The movie itself was fine, true to the original material in most respects and faithful to the spirit when it deviated from the actual source. However, the real killer was the trailer for Disney's Chicken Little before the movie. It starts out exactly like the trailer to Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, with Louis Armstrong singing "What a Wonderful World," then the Earth exploding and the words "Don't Panic" flashing across the screen. At first, I thought there had to be a colossal flub in the projection room and we were seeing the trailer for the movie we were about to see. Then the word "Don't" falls away, and it segues into something to the effect of "Now it's time to panic. The sky is falling." I'm not sure I would want to see the movie, but that was, bar none, the most clever movie trailer I have ever seen.

Woo-Hoo

Tomorrow is my very first trash day. :) I've never had to actually shlep my household refuse to the curb before (not that we have a curb per se). Growing up, that was always my dad's job, then I moved into a series of apartments where I threw my trash in the communal dumpster and it magically disappeared once a week--always on a Tuesday. 17 years in my parents' house, then seven apartments, and trash was always picked up on Tuesday. I didn't think trash collectors worked other days of the week. Apparently they do, since I have to have my bags by the street by 12 midnight Friday morning.

Yes, I know. We're still in the honeymoon phase. I'm easily enthralled by the small things of home ownership. I'm sure trash day won't be such a wonderous experience in a few months.

Slender Walk Tip of the Week

Watch out for the free webmail. Someone pays for it, usually with ads, and sometimes that involves adware on your computer.

Between blog, business, and personal, I have about four email addresses I use. One is reserved specifically for when a business or website requests an emai, so the bulk of my spam goes there. Some people use filters and folders; I use separate addresses. I've terminated the email address I formerly used for blogging communication, perspectives @ savepenguins.com. I can't be absolutely certain that was the site that was installing adware onto my computer, but something started about the time I set up that address. I'm working on moving it over to a gmail account--actually, I have the gmail account set up, but goodness if I can't remember the password I set up, so I'm working on hacking into my own email.

If you're looking for a place to get a free webmail account, ask around for recommendations for a provider that doesn't try to install extraneous stuff on your system. I've found gmail works great for the purposes I put it to, and the spam fiters are some of the more reliable at not filtering out my real emails. Feel free to post a comment with your recommendations for free webmail providers that leave your system alone.

We have computer

Took a little longer than anticipated, but we finally got moved. We're still in boxes for the most part, but managed to locate the ones with the computer and the new DSL modem so I can resume blogging.

There are two times I can guarantee the weather will not be 72 degrees and sunny: when you need to change a tire or when you are moving. Our mantra as our move-in date for the house kept getting pushed back was, "Well, it's the end of April. At least it won't be snowing." Well, the snow started falling as the movers unloaded our stuff, and by the next morning, we had darned close to a foot of it. It's all melted now, and the forecast calls for drenching rain. Maybe someday I'll be able to see this place dry. Until then, I should probably make an effort to find our plates and cups while I wait for the DirecTV installer to show up.

On Hiatus

I'm going to be offline for a few days as we relocate. I'm hoping to be reconnected by Sunday, so check back then.

Slender Walk Tip of the Week

One of the grocery stores I frequent has a shopper's card that they use for reward programs and discounts, in lieu of in-store coupons. Signing up for the card requires the usual name, address, and phone number.

Lie on the application.

As long as you are using the shopping cards just to get the sale price on honeydew melons and not for the buyer's reward clubs, there is no reason that you need to provide your actual address. My favorite trick is to pick an address halfway between two real ones so I don't plague anyone else with unwanted mail; for instance, if my address was 579 Main Street and my next-door neighbor was 587 Main, I would sign up with 583 Main.

News: Senate Grows Backbone

We've found out where the Senate draws the line. Three years into a war, after the Secretary of Defense admits that there is no exit strategy--that is when the executive branch should start putting the war spending into the budget and stop trying to cast it as an emergency to be funded through supplemental appropriations.

The Senate attached a nonbinding resolution to the latest emergency spending bill basically saying, "You know, it's about time this stuff gets put in the regular annual budget." The whole exercise is being cast as largely a symbolic gesture, given that this is a nonbinding resolution that may well disappear when the bill is reconciled with the version going through the House at the moment. The appropriations request is expected to pass handily. If I recall correctly, every danged one of these passes handily.

Found my Cookies

Back here about a month or so ago, I mentioned my enjoyment of Delta Airlines' in-flight cookies. At the time, I neglected to mention the brand, mostly because, in spite of having nearly hurled a tray of them into a display of deli sliced cheese, I forgot the name. Finally found it. The best airline snacks are Biscoff's gourmet cookies.

The Elegant Pharmacist Solution

HR 1539, should it become law, would end all this crap over pharmacists being our morals police. It even does this without requiring the pharmacist to violate his/her own moral values and fill objectionable prescriptions. The solution is actually quite clever and elegant.

In order for pharmacies to receive prescription drugs through interstate commerce (in English, for the pharmacy to get shipments of any pill or med that is not manufactured in that state), the pharmacy would have to comply with two very simple, commonsense provisions that I can't imagine anyone finding objectionable. First, the pharmacy must ensure that, if one of its pharmacists refuses to fill a legally written prescription, the prescription can be filled at that same pharmacy within four hours. Second, the pharmacy cannot employ a pharmacist who, after refusing to fill a legally written prescription, then refuses to return the unfilled prescription slip or takes other action with the intent of impeding access to the medication. Penalties for noncompliance are $100,000 fine and the patient may sue in civil court.

In effect, this means that if a pharmacy wants the capability of filling prescriptions for things like antibiotics, they have to ensure reasonably unimpeded access to things like birth control.

The bill has been referred to the House Energy and Commerce Committee. Here's a list of the committee members. From that list, it is about two clicks to get to a web form where constituents can drop an email. Communiques from constituents carry more weight.

Chased Down by 800-316-5569

I'd be willing to bet that those of you out there who found Penguin Perspectives because you were having problems with excessive calls from 888-872-2629 are now having the same issue with 800-316-5569 coming up on your caller ID 4 or 5 times a day. That's another one of Chase credit cards' telemarketers, hawking the same credit protection. For reasons I have yet to divine, they don't seem to be paying attention to the DNC request I placed through the other number.

Here's another phone number you may want to be aware of: 800-868-8618. That is Chase's privacy opt-out line. It gets you to the automated system where you can choose Privacy Choice 1 (don't share my information with outside non-financial companies) and/or Privacy Choice 2 (do not share certain listed information within the JP Morgan family of companies). I'd be interested to find out others' experiences with this automated system are. I inputted my account information and last 4 digits of my SSN three times, so I know at least one of those was correct, yet I kept getting an error message that the system did not recognize my information. Fortunately, you may also submit requests in writing to PO Box 260185, Baton Rouge, LA 70826-0185 or use their web form. According to them, it may take six weeks for this to become effective.

I also have solved the mystery of the joint opt-out between Capitol One and Chase at the 800 number. It is actually between Bank One and Chase, which are both owned by JP Morgan.

I got the Chase card because I wanted to have something in my wallet that was not a MasterCard and not owned by CitiBank. Given all the hassle I've gone through to get these people to leave me alone and not try to sell me useless services with a monthly fee that will quickly eat up the small credit line they've supplied, I'm beginning to think I went to the wrong company.

Are you ready for this?

I don't think you are. I certainly wasn't. Reuters sometimes has some weird headlines, particularly in the section "Oddly Enough," but nothing could have prepared me for the headline:

"Officials Heighten Duck Security at Summit"

You read that right: duck security, as in the security of a duck. Not even ducks, plural; one duck. The World Bank, International Monetary Fund, and G-7 are meeting in Washington, DC this weekend and by way of preparation, the security detail is widening the perimeter around a mallard who laid a clutch of eggs in front of the Treasury Department. You read that right, too. Widening the perimeter, which seems to imply that the duck already had a perimeter established. US Officials are worried that the protesters might disturb the duck.

If we paid as much attention to port security as we apparently do to mallard security, we wouldn't need the PATRIOT Act.

Kosher Sex

Viagra is now kosher for Passover.

I'm not sure I need to say anything else about that.

Slender Walk Tip of the Week

Pay attention to all those little leaflets in your statements. They might be your privacy policy or opt-out notice.

Banks and credit card issuers routinely stuff the statement envelopes full of crap--offers for personalized address labels and glass knicknacks and other stuff we really don't care about. However, periodically one of those little leaflets will have the company's privacy policy on it. While it's always good to know what they're doing with your information, you'll want to keep your eyes out for any sort of opt-out notice or procedure. This will typically involve calling a number listed on the number or submitting a written request to an address listed.

Why is opting out important? Here are excerpts from the actual privacy notice from the company that I have my car loan through:

"We collect the following kinds of nonpublic personal information:
-Information we receive from you, for example, information on applications or other forms, such as your name, address, and social security number
-Information about your transactions with us and our affiliates, such as your account balance and payment history
-Information from and about your transactions with nonaffiliated third parties, such as your purchase of certain automotive or financial products"

"We may disclose all of the nonpublic personal information we collect as described above to companies that perform marketing services on our behalf or to other financial institutions with which we have joint marketing agreements. We may also disclose nonpublic personal information about you to nonaffiliated third parties as permitted by law."

No way am I going to agree to allow them to sell my information, including SSN, payment history, and customer transaction history to anyone they darned well feel like unless it is actually prohibited by law. Opting out is good.

Neato

I'll confess that I have no idea what the practical applications are, but that does not make it any less nifty that researchers have actually managed to freeze light.

Heading Things Off at the Pass

I'd be willing to bet that, if this barrage of high-profile dead people slows down in the next couple of months, we're going to get down to a rash of paranoia surrounding the proposed changes to 22 CFR 51. That is Chapter 22, Section 51 of the Code of Federal Regulations. the section of the federal code that deals with passports, which, in unrelated news, citizens will need in the near future to re-enter from Canada and Mexico. The least controversial of the proposed rule changes would invalidate a passport if the check used to pay the passport fee bounces. The part that seems to be raising the most ire is the proposition to put radio frequency ID tags in the passports.

A primer: RFID tags are small chips that transmit information by radio waves to a receiver/decoder unit. One of the current uses is pet tracking. All three of our cats have chips the size of a grain of Uncle Ben's implanted between their shoulder blades (I watched the implantation when Sonja got hers, and it's no worse than a rabies shot). Should one of our cats get lost, a vet or animal shelter can pass a scanner near them and get a unique ID number, which the vet or shelter can call into the American Kennel Club to find our name, address, and phone number. The basic principle works the same on any of the myriad other uses of RFID: a scanner picks up a tidbit of data that is transmitted by the chip.

That, of course, is where the idea of putting the chips in passports runs into resistance. The information is transmitted over the air and can be read by anyone with the proper scanner and in range of the radio transmission. The current fear is that people will be targeted in crowds by unsavory elements (nay, even terrorists) because they are literally broadcasting that they are American citizens. The chip would actually contain biometric data--a digital version of the passport photo--which the paranoid elements fear may also be misused if it is intercepted. Again, I stress that the likelihood of this happening is probably quite remote.

Fortunately, all this paranoia is unfounded. There are technological solutions the federal government is looking into to limit data skimming. There is also a very low-tech way to foil potential data skimmers. According to Thingmagic, a company that designs RFID chips, "Any conductive material can shield the radio signals." They suggest that a laminated anti-static bag, such as the ones that computer chips and memory are routinely packed in, would shield the passport transmission from prying eyes. For those of us who don't have any of those lying about, Thingmagic also says that aluminum foil will block the signal. If you're really concerned, make your passport a foil hat (or pouch). Sounds crazy, but it is supposed to work.

Camera Snoops

At work today, I encountered a woman who went to great lengths to explain to us that she had heard that one ought to hand over one's credit card face down to foil people with camera phones who might snap a picture of the card to steal the account information. By the way, if the glare is right, you can read the credit card numbers in reverse by looking at the back of the card.

Here's an article on www.snopes.com that goes into greater depths on this. When I first heard this, I grabbed Elie's camera phone and tried it out. Granted, his was a middle-of-the-line camera phone a year ago and quality has improved, but I had to hold the camera about four inches above the card before I could get an image that might have yielded information if blown up properly--quite a lot of work for one credit card number. In short, as Snopes also explains, the current level of technology makes card number theft by phone unlikely, though don't discount it in the future as the resolution and features of camera phones gets better.

Snopes goes one step further in investigating the problem. According to them, technology is adequate to snap shots of open checkbooks from 3-5 feet away. Credit cards only have card numbers, names, and expiration dates, but checks have the checking account number to the place where most people keep the bulk of the funds they use to live on, bank routing information, name, address, and possibly phone number, and I've encountered people who seem to think they should print their social security numbers on their checks (a colossally bad idea). As with so many of these paranoia-spreading rumors, there are much bigger related worries one can have if one insists on being worried about something. I heartily recommend checking www.snopes.com out before you get too uptight about anything you hear via mass-forwarded email (and definitely before you send it to me).

Dromedary Drama

Here's a tip for airline baggage handlers who want to steal things out of checked baggage: if you're planning on stealing something unique--say a camel costume--for goodness' sake do not wear the camel costume when you drive across the tarmac back to the terminal.

Here's the Reuters article. Qantas is apologizing to the owner of the camel suit and looking into disciplining the baggage handler.

For those of us on the other end of the baggage check, the TSA provides a few hints: pack all your things in see-through bags inside your suitcase and use a TSA-approved lock if you want to lock your suitcase. However, these, much like the shoe checks, don't really do anything to protect you. Seal-a-meal-ing your stuff just means your stuff won't get grubby paws on it while the handlers decide if they want it. The TSA-approved locks get the approval because baggage screeners have keys to them, but the TSA gives the following warning along with their list of approved lock manufacturers: "However, time pressures may require screeners to cut these locks rather than open them because there are many manufacturers, each using multiple master keys." Yep. You shell out ten clams for a lock the TSA screeners can unlock and relock, and they still may use the bolt cutters and leave your luggage unlocked for the rest of the trip.

On the other hand, my father-in-law has a solution that actually keeps checked baggage safe from unscrupulous screeners and baggage handlers: check your bags at UPS (or DHL or FedEx) instead of the airport.

The Missing the Point Awards

I know, it isn't a catchy name like the Darwin Awards. I'll work on that. Every so often, I come across people or situations where someone has just completely missed the point. For instance, the DayRunner 5-ring personal organizer with calendar, address book, notepad, and slot for your PDA that is supposed to replace the paper calendar, address book, and notepad; or the guy I passed on the road the other day clearly wearing his hands-free cellphone headset and holding the attached cell phone up a foot from his face a cheek level.

Today's MTPA was spotted outside the Sam's Club. The shrubbery planters surrounding the parking lot had a fresh layer of barkdust, spread out in a neat even layer--on the pavement surrounding the planters.

Study Sez...

A new Nielsen study finds that, among other things:
40% of US households own a gaming system of some kind
23% of gaming households own all three types of systems (PC, console, and handheld)
8% of console owners own all three major consoles--XBox, PlayStation and Nintendo. Child's play, I say. Real gamers also require at least one Sega system.

The study also shows that men are spending more on video games than music. Not surprising, though, given that the going rate for an MP3 download, assuming one actually pays for it, is about 99 cents per track, and games run $15-$50 per game. Girl gamers 25-54 years (that would be me) old split evenly between playing alone and with others, and we spend 5 hours playing alone and 3 hours en masse.

I'm not sure if they would count Maya in my video gaming clock. Yourself Fitness is not your typical video game, more of an interactive personal fitness program. Maya is the virtual personal trainer from the program. I relate to her as a person so that I feel obligated to follow through with the goals I set within the program. Whatever it is, and whether or not it counts as gaming, Maya already has me sticking to an exercise routine longer than anything else I've tried. Very nearly a week now.

Slender Walk Tip of the Week

You can get un-registered from the federal Do Not Call registry without knowing it.

If I know my readership, you all are probably registered with the federal Do Not Call registry. These registrations are valid for five years, so sometime in 2008, we all have to remember to re-register our phone numbers. However, you may find yourself needing to re-register before that. Your phone number might be delisted from the registry for several reasons, including, but not limited to:

-Changes in your service, includes changes in your calling plan or adding or removing additional services (e.g. call waiting or voicemail)
-Reconnecting your phone number after a service interruption
-Changing your phone number

OK, that last one is pretty obvious, but the FCC mentions it nonetheless. Basically, if you change anything about your phone service or get disconnected, you should confirm your registration at www.donotcall.gov as soon as your service is back to normal. If you find yourself getting a lot of telemarketing calls, confirm your registration with the FCC to make sure you didn't get bumped off the list.

Slender Walking

I'm going to institute a new feature here at Penguin Perspectives. Given the reaction to the series on getting rid of Chase's telemarketers, I've decided to post similar tips every week. I'm going to shoot for Wednesdays for Slender Walk Tip of the Week.

Why Slender Walk? Slender walking is a penguin behavior used when a penguin walks through a colony to his or her nest site or wherever he or she happens to be headed in the interior of the penguin mass. Penguins are, in spite of popular perceptions, rather territorial creatures, and will defend their nest sites from other penguins that look like they're encroaching. Given how tightly packed the colonies can get, this makes getting from Point A (say, the water and food source) to Point B (say, the animal's own nest site) somewhat interesting. The slender walk posture--as skinny as possible, beak pointed up, and flippers held close--makes the penguin as non-threatening as possible to its colonymates as it walks by others.

In much the same way that a penguin wants to get on with its life without attracting attention from the others in the rookery who might attack it, most of us want to be able to go through our lives without being bothered too much by marketers. Hence we, like the penguin, have to learn how to slender walk through our commercial lives, trying not to do anything to be perceived as a target. Slender Walk Tips of the Week aim to show how to do that.

Chase Telemarketing Redux

A few days ago, I got a comment from a reader who tried my suggestion for removing oneself from the Chase credit card telemarketing list, and I thought I might as well respond to everyone, just in case the problem he had is a widespread phenomenon. Apparently, in the middle of trying to delist himself, he was transferred from Chase to Capital One. Without digging a lot deeper, I can't explain why this would happen, particularly given that Chase is owned by JP Morgan and Capital One is not. One would think that companies with two entirely different parent companies would not have interconnected telemarketing system. Nonetheless, here's how I would suggest dealing with the situation.

First, add yourself to the Capital One Do Not Call list. However it happens that one arrives in their system, one might as well take the opportunity to get off their list. As far as I'm concerned, the more internal DNC lists one can get on, the better.

Second, look at alternative methods of getting on Chase's (or whomever's) DNC list. The easiest alternative method is to just pick up the phone when they call, interrupt the caller after he (or she) reveals the company, and politely tell them to place this number on their do not call list. The key to this is to be polite but firm. As much as we all dislike telemarketers, they are still just people doing their jobs, and being a prick to them will not expedite your request any. For those of us with no patience for waiting for the telemarketers to call again, which is how I figured out the callback thing in the first place, there is always the option of calling customer service (don't be surprised at some lengthy hold times), or mailing a written request. I'll have to look into where the best place is to send these written requests.

Owing to the great response I've been getting from the stop Chase telemarketing series of posts, I'm going to devote one blog a week to similar issues. Feel free to send suggestions to the address at the right.

Selective Morality in the Workplace

The New York Times has an editorial saying exactly what I have said long before now: if your sense of morality does not allow you to fully discharge the duties of your job, find a new line of work that conforms to your moral compass. Pharmacists who refuse to fill legally written prescriptions for medicine that a physician has deemed necessary and appropriate for that patient have no business behind a pharmacy counter. Margaret Sanger was arrested for distributing birth control devices, but family planning is legal now, and should be available to any patient with a legally written prescription and no contraindications, no matter what the personal beliefs of the pharmacist.

Not saying, of course, that pharmacists should be just prescription vending machines. Pharmacists play a vital role in the delivery of health care, even more so now that doctors don't have or take the time to fully explain the treatment regimen they prescribe. The pharmacist my family went to while I was growing up was just as important to our family's medical care as our physicians were. When a medication I had to take caused intolerable nausea, my pharmacist was the one who told us how to minimize the discomfort and potential harm, allowing me to continue my treatment. When another person's allergy medication failed to work, the pharmacist was the one who discerned that one of the inert ingredients in the pill was the allergen for which the medication was being prescribed. In the days before databases, he knew what my family should never take, but that decision was based entirely on our medical needs, not his moral judgment.

I find it odd that all the refusals to fill prescriptions based on moral values is confined to birth control and emergency contraception. Gluttony is one of the seven deadly sins, but these pharmacists seem to have no problem dispensing weight loss drugs or cholesterol lowering medications that help people avoid the consequences of chronic gluttony. Even if the pharmacists' moral compass is confined strictly to curtailing the consequence-free indulgence of our lust, though, should we not also be hearing more about people being denied prescriptions for Viagra and Cialis, or is it just women who aren't allowed to have sex on their terms?

Ooookay

First, let me preface this by saying that the death of any human being is a somber occasion. I'm not Catholic and I may not agree with a lot of the positions of the Catholic church, but I have always found Pope John Paul II to be an honorable and decent man.

That said, I find the way the Vatican confirms the death of a pope very amusing--as far as anything about the death of a world leader can be amusing. According to a report on CNN Headline News, after all the heart monitors and brain scans and such show that the Pope's vital signs have ceased, a top Vatican official (I forget which one) gets in the late Pope's face and calls his given name three times, then taps his forehead. I understand that the Vatican stands on ceremony quite a bit, but this is essentially yelling "Booga! Booga!" and slapping his forehead to make the results of the MRI official.

Wasn't Duct Tape Supposed to Keep Us Safe From Toxic Fumes

A duct tape plant in South Carolina exploded last night.

Emergency officials asked residents living near the plant to stay inside and turn off their ventilation systems because of thick smoke, authorities said.

I guess they couldn't exactly ask people to go with the plastic sheeting and duct tape defense shield when duct tape was the cause of the problem.

More DST

Here's another article expounding on the benefits of turning the clocks ahead an hour. Again, they use one of my pet peeve arguments of "More daylight will (insert benefit here)." I've said it before and I'll say it again: changing the timing of daylight does not increase the overall quantity of that daylight.

Here's a crazy idea: those who tout the benefits of "more daylight" can just wake up an hour earlier in the summer and let the rest of us alone.

I'm Back...

No, I'm not ignoring you. Lately, there has just been a confluence of other things demanding my attention and a dearth of real news to comment on with every dang news outlet going with the WTWS format (Wall to Wall Schiavo). For the record, I have come to the same conclusion ME has: I have no standing to have a stance on this particular issue. Strangely, though, it has made part of me want to delay making out a living will--something I have meant to do for quite some time--exactly because of this whole flap. I don't want anyone getting the impression that I am making out a living will because the media has called attention to it and suddenly so many people are rushing to make them out because It May Happen To Me. I would be doing it because I've meant to for about half a decade now and we would be folding it into several things we've been meaning to get a lawyer to do.

As much as I've tried to ignore all of the media coverage of this fracas, it's about as easy as completely avoiding environmental mercury contamination. Not going to happen. However, what has dribbled through has given me some ideas for my own eventual living will and instructions for my durable Power of Attorney. For what it is worth with whatever weight a blog entry may carry in these matters, my wishes on life support are as follows:
1. If my mind isn't coming back, even if my body still has a fighting chance, pull whatever plug I'm plugged into. If I can't have thoughts and communicate them, I'm just wasting space, and to the extent that I would be able to be frustrated in that state, I would probably find it incredibly frustrating.
2. If my care becomes burdensome, put something good in my IV drip and kill me, whatever my recovery prospects may be. Whether or not I would want to be kept alive is irrelevant to the process when I am no longer the one doing the keeping. I would rather just go and let everyone get on with their lives.
3. Don't put too much weight on what I would want. Living is for the living, and I want my caretakers to consider what is best for themselves. (Thanks to ME for those last two thoughts)

Happy Bunny Day

On Tuesday, the Easter Bunny in Council Bluffs, Iowa was arrested for harrassment.

The Easter Bunny in Bay City, Michigan got beaten up by a 12 year old and sustained a bloody nose. Staying in character, the bunny refused to fight back; however, he is pressing charges.

Who knew that Mall Easter Bunny was such a hazardous occupation.

That Makes Me Feel Better

New actuarial figures show Social Security going insolvent in 2041, a year earlier than previously planned. Strangely, this makes me feel better. Between that and the increased retirement age going into effect, the system is now insolvent 3 years before I can retire. Used to be that with the retirement age at 65 and the insolvency date at 2042, I would be paying into the system right up until I am eligble to retire, then whoops! There goes the fund.

And they wonder why people my age don't care about the Social Security debate. True, a lot of people in their 20's are still busy getting wasted every chance they get and don't have time to worry about their retirement. Those of us who are planning for the future aren't counting on seeing any of the money that gets shunted out of our paychecks every week and are planning accordingly, so whatever anyone wants to do with the program is your business.

Inconvenient Facts

Last night, I was at the local mall--which is apparently not the only mall in America without an Orange Julius stand, man do I miss those--where the local Waldenbooks is clearancing out the merchandise. They're closing the store since there is a Borders coming in and the same parent company owns both Borders and Waldenbooks. Seems someone out at the parent company thought they only needed one bookstore in that mall. 900 jewelry stores, sure, but only one bookstore.

Getting back to the point. Earlier this week, Waldenbooks had a slew of "Store Closing" signs out advertising their clearances. Yesterday, those signs were all gone, replaced with some cheesy laserprinted sheets taped to the fixtures. Apparently, mall management thought that the "store closing" signs reflected poorly on the mall, even though the store is, in fact, closing. Can't wait to see how they spin the store being, well, gone.

More 888-872-2629

Glad to hear I could help so many of you out there get rid of the Chase telemarketers (if you missed the first couple of posts, click here for the instructions on how to stop 888-872-2629 to stop calling you). Maybe some of you can give me a hand, now. I'm working on a related project that expands on the topic, and I could use some more in-depth input from people who have been telemarketed by their credit card company. I would rather not give out too much about the project yet since I'm not certain anything will come of it, but it has a much better chance of success if I can get one or two of you on record with just a little bit about your experiences getting telemarketing calls after signing up for services or buying something.

If you wouldn't mind sharing some details about your experiences being telemarketed and getting them to stop, please drop an email at perspectives@savepenguins.com. Also, on the off chance anyone out there has ever worked as a telemarketer, I'd like to get some input from you.

None of your information you provide will be posted at Penguin Perspectives, and I won't let your email address out. However, if something does come of this project, there is a chance your name (I will need a real name) and a quotation or two might one day wind up in print.

Again, the email address is perspectives@savepenguins.com, and I'll let you know from there exactly what sort of information I'm looking for.

Gizmo Time

For your online-window-shopping pleasure, here's a few of the fun doohickies and thingamabobs you can find at www.thinkgeek.com.

An optical mouse with a floaty duck

A wristwatch and slide rule in one

A USB humidifier just plug it into your computer's USB port, and you've got instant humidification

The next generation in Ant Farm technology (ants not included)

A series of motivational posters that just may make you laugh

Thinkgeek.com also has a full line of Tux products. One day, I'm going to switch to Linux for no other reason than their mascot is a penguin.

Japan Pushes for DST

Is it already time to rant against Daylight Saving Time again? News from Reuters is that the Japanese legislature is making a push for Spring Forward, Fall Back. One of the main arguments for advancing the time change:

"The resulting extra daylight and cooler mornings--

Whoa-ho. Let's just stop right there and clear something up. Setting the clocks back does not magically give you "extra daylight." DST or no, Japan will still get about 15 1/2 hours of daylight on the summer solstice. Whether that starts at 4:30 a.m. or 5:30 a.m. does not change the total quantity of daylight. The mornings may be cooler, but only because there is an hour less sun in it. By extension, this means that the evenings are hotter as there is an hour more sunlight.

Given the 24-hour nature of life in this day and age, why are we fussing over where the big hand and the little hand are when the sun comes up?

Corporal Klinger Lives

New York Times headline: Un-Volunteering: Troops Improvise to Find Way Out

Seems there is a small segment of our military forces--according to the Army, no more than usual--who are doing whatever they can to get out of their contract with the military. Tactics include trying to fail drug tests, defecting to Canada, getting pregnant, getting shot, and being gay. Apparently, M*A*S*H was more realistic than I thought.

About Damn Time!

Reuters headline: US May Restrict Sale of Social Security Numbers

Good idea, don't you think? I should probably not be as surprised as I am that there aren't already restrictions on the sale of my social security number.

Here's the link to what the Social Security Administration has to say on the subject of when you are required to give your number out. The upshot is that disclosing your SSN is voluntary. This does not mean that the entity asking for your number still must do business with you if you refuse, but if you are prepared to do without, the choice to give out your number is yours. Along those lines, apparently there are ways for your utility company to run a credit check on you without you providing your SSN.

By the way, the official policy of the Social Security Administration is that your card is not a form of ID, given that it only proves that the number on the card was assigned to the person named on the card and does not guarantee that the person presenting the Social Security card is in fact the person to whom the card was issued.

Media Circus

The 24-hour news channels must be wetting themselves. The Robert Blake and Scott Peterson verdicts came in on the same day! How, oh, how will they give both of the Trials of the Century verdicts the constant coverage they deserve while still keeping up the play-by-play on Michael Jackson's jammies? At least they have the crawl for those trivial news-fluff items like the two wars that I think we may still be fighting.

Mundane Stuff of Life

The people who live in the apartment next door are fighting again. I don't listen, but the yelling carries through the walls, so sometimes one can't help but hear. I'm counting the days until we will live somewhere not attached to someone else's home. 33, if everything goes according to the current schedule.

More New Studies

Now, my mother is a wonderful woman who has, to my recollection, never held the circumstances of her children's gestation and births against us. However, I hear tell that there are some women who pull a guilt trip on their offspring about the 36 hours of labor or what have you. For those women, check out this news story. Seems now, in addition to blaming their progeny for their inability to wear a wristwatch, mothers can now pin their bad teeth on the children. A new study shows that women with more children have more dental problems, even when income, age, and socioeconomic status is factored out.

Happy Pi Day!

It's no National Gorilla Suit Day, but today is Pi Day, 3/14. Click here to see a replay of Pi Drop that happened at 1:59. Those mathematicians sure know how to party with flash animation.

By coincidence, today is also Albert Einstein's birthday. Let's see here. The radius of a circle is a ratio of pi, which is 3.14..., and Albert Einstein was born on 3/14. In Young Einstein, Albert Einstein was played by Yahoo Serious, who was in Reckless Kelly with Martin Ferrero, who was in Planes, Trains, and Automobiles with Kevin Bacon. I guess you can connect anything to Kevin Bacon in six steps or fewer.

Credit to Bonus.com for the last two steps.

Speaking of Vomiting in Public...

The New York Times published an article on the whole Power Hour idiocy I wrote about earlier. To save you the clicking, freshly minted 21-year-olds try to down 21 shots in the hour between midnight on their 21st birthday and 1 a.m. when the bars close. The solution that the North Dakota legislature has dreamed up is to raise the drinking age to 21 +8 hours. Given my doubts about the efficacy of that, I proposed a counter-solution to have the bars limit the number of shots they would serve anyone, regardless of age, in an hour.

Apparently, we can kiss that idea goodbye. I'm pretty sure that when the bars are providing barf buckets to the 21-year-olds, we can pretty much forget about enlisting their aid in curbing the practice. When they're supplying the drinks and the vomitorium and not stepping in when a patron tells his friends "no more," I'd say we can count the bars firmly as part of the problem, not part of the solution. Of course, as the drinkers in the New York Times article see it, the problem is that there is nothing to do in North Dakota except get blind drunk and puke in the middle of a bar. That, I must say, is the absolute WEAKEST excuse I have ever heard for anything. If there is nothing to do, have they considered learning a foreign language or taking up knitting? If there is so little to do in Fargo (and they do have a movie theater with live pipe organ music), here's an idea: when the hangover wears off, pack up whatever brain cells aren't pickled, call some movers, and leave North Dakota. But then they'd have to grow up and become responsible adults, so that won't work, either.

Tossing My Cookies

I have an intense distaste for air travel. I may have mentioned before that there is no good way to vomit on an airplane, particularly when the "fasten seat belt" sign is lit. I have tried, and it cannot be done. However, if there is one good thing to be said about flying, it is that the snacks are great. Stop laughing. I like airline snacks. I am particularly fond of the cookies on Delta, sort of a light, flaky gingersnap.

My local Kroger also carries these particular cookies. Lo and behold, today Kroger had sample platter of my favorite airplane cookies out for my nibbling pleasure, and I pounced. Pounced a little too hard, it turns out. In the process of setting the plastic cover aside, I managed to nearly send the whole platter tumbling off the display. I saved the plate of cookies, but the cover clattered halfway to the deli meat counter. One way or another, I seem to always hurl these cookies.

I'm Not Making This Up

A Michigan cat shot its owner with a 9mm handgun. There are two lessons in this story.
Lesson #1: never leave a loaded handgun unattended on the kitchen counter
Lesson #2: don't piss off the cat

Recommended Reading

You absolutely must read the saga of ME and his garage door replacement.

Question of the Day

Does anyone know whatever came of the duck from You Bet Your Life?

For the last time...

In today's Funky Winkerbean, the comic book store owner got arrested, presumably because some of the items in the comics are not so much for the kiddies. The story arc starts on March 4 with a woman taking her first ever trip to a comic book store and finding the Adult Comics section.

Is there any way that we, the comic book reading public, can convince the rest of you that comics are not just for kids? We've already tried talking until we're blue in the face and pricing comic books way out of the range of most kids' allowances. None of that seems to have taken hold. There are many great titles for the small tykes--check out RQW--but not every comic is meant for minors. A lot of comics are meant for grownups, in exactly the same way that the majority of what is in a Barnes and Noble is meant for grownups.

Sure, some shops do a less-than-stellar job of segregating out the most adult offerings. One of my local comics shops keeps a longbox of Playboys on the floor underneath a table displaying action figures. Were I running a comic book store, that would not be where I would keep the nudie magazines. To be fair, the bad segregation of grownup materials is not unique to comic book shops. I was in a major media outlet a while back and accidentally knocked a box off the bookshelf. In full view of the Tiger Beat magazine display, a vibrator (ahem, Personal Massager) rolled right out of the box and into the aisle.

So please, leave the comic books alone. Whatever you may remember of Superman being chased by a giant telephone in the 60's, comics are not kiddie fare. Let the grownups have their picture books. While we're at it, can we just agree to stop trotting the small fries out whenever we want to get rid of something we disagree with? People don't do things "for the kids." The kids have no clue. They do it because they don't like something, so they don't think I should have access to it.

Slow News Day

It must be a slow news day. The Associated Press ran an article on people getting in trouble at work for blogs they write off hours. At first, you might think that's a little harsh. Then you read what they were posting. One Delta employee posted pinup photos of herself in (well, partly in) uniform in one of the aircraft, with her undies showing. A Google employee mused about the company's financial situation. A Microsoft employee posted pictures of Apple computers at a Microsoft loading dock and described the building. Another woman posted the office gossip from the Christmas party. That last one could be fairly inocuous, depending on what the gossip is, but by and large those show not a violation of policy, but incredibly poor judgement.

You may have noticed I don't talk much about work. First and foremost, I don't want to bore you and my job isn't all that interesting. Second of all, it is a general rule of Penguin Perspectives that I do not write badly of people I personally know. Makes life easier that way. My boss knows I blog. I don't know if she reads what I write or not. Since I want to continue to be paid, I find it to my advantage to not impugn the nature of the company that pays me. Such is life and commerce.

Questions

Having gone through 12 years of compulsory lower education and six years of college to get a four year degree, I've now decided to learn all the things that people should know just because it is good to know. Classrooms can't teach these things, or won't. For instance, I'm working on learning how a computer works. With everything the computers run in my life, I figure the least I should know is what goes on inside that box. Learning how a microprocessor works, or what a chip really does, is a long term project. In the shorter term, I'm working on questions like why is the North Pole frozen, anyway?

Bling-A-Ling

Logically, one would think that if one of something looks dumb, than four of that something would look even dumber, and the opposite is also true: that if four of something looks dumb, one would still look dumb, but less so. However, there are exceptions to every rule. On the way home from the grocery store, I found one of them.

I may have mentioned before that spinning hubcaps give me a mild case of motion sickness. That, and I think they look incredibly stupid. No reason. Some things are just inherently dumb. Turns out there is something more stupid looking than a set of spinning hubcaps on a primer-gray mid-90's Corsica that appears to have had the dents pounded out with a meat mallet. Specifically, a primer-gray mid-90's Corsica that appears to have had the dents pounded out with a meat mallet and sporting, not a set of spinners, but a single spinner on the right front wheel. Yep, one solitary hubcap spinning away on a car being driven by a guy who looked like a 35-year-old Jeff Foxworthy wannabe who hadn't bathed in a month. I'm guessing he missed the memo where they explained that pimping your ride means pimping your entire ride.

Shmoozers Block

I'm writing cover letters to resumes I will be dropping off tomorrow when I'm down in the new place, and I seem to have drawn a complete blank on how to hype my organization skills (Becca, stop spitting milk out your nose). The first thing I've done at most of my office jobs has been to revamp their filing system. Partly, this is to improve efficiency, but mostly it is job security. I've discovered people are less likely to fire you if you're the only one who know where things are filed.

888-872-2629

I seem to have touched a nerve when I mentioned my travails with Chase's telemarketers from 888-872-2629. Five comments! I didn't know I had five readers.

They called again today while I was at work. Just for kicks, I thought I would see what happened if, instead of waiting for them to call me, I called them. Good news: if you call 888-872-2629, there is the option to add your number to their internal Do Not Call List. It takes about 2 minutes all told to submit the request. Of course, this wouldn't be Penguin Perspectives without the Irony of the Week. I added my home phone to the do not call list, and the automated message told me to allow 30 days for the change to take effect. We move--and get a new phone number--in 47 days.

BYOB-Build Your Own Batcave

There are so many fun things about buying a house. My latest discovery is that, without landlords and security deposits, now there is nothing stopping me from turning my home into my own personal Fortress of Solitude. I'm saving the title of Batcave for the barn.

Of course there are several things any good superhero hideout needs, all of which are, thanks to the Internet, readily available to all of us wannabe superheroes:
- A World Crisis Monitor, courtesy of Reuters
- Sliding panels to hide your World Crisis Monitor. Instructions for making one can be found here.
- Doors hidden behind bookcases.
- A 31-pocket jacket to pull things out of, Secret Squirrel style. Also 11-pocket pants, and yes, even the tie has a pocket
- And no Batcave would be complete without a Wurlitzer. For the whimsey.