More Stupid Food Labels

Since the tale of the worst box of doughnuts in recorded history interests no one, here is another installment in the Stupid Food Labels. From Ann O., off the back of the Cheez-it box.

"Anatomy of a Cheez-it: texture edge) No slip grip: helps you grab more in every handful. (hole) Air Intake: Improves aerodynamics during periods of rapid cheez-it consumption. Surface dynamics: Bumpy, crispy, crunchy, utterly satisfying." and down in small print, "These qualities make cheez-its fun but do not suggest any serious product performance claims."

Performance claims? This is a cheese cracker, not a turbocharged V-8. Who has performance expectations from a lump of refined carbohydrates and dehydrated cheese? I expect that it taste vaguely of artifical cheese and absorb soup broth.

It's a banner day for cheese-related stupidity. I also noticed this boldface warning on my 8-ounce brick of marble cheddar cheese: "Contains milk." Now, I've taken the Tillamook Cheese Factory tour and have a nodding acquaintance with how cheese is made. Cheese pretty much is milk. If cheese does not contain milk, it is not cheese. That is why the cheese is in the dairy case. Anyone who does not realize that cheese contains milk deserves whatever bloated, lactose intolerant reaction they get. I must admit, though, this is a step up for stupid food labels. At least now they are certain my cheese contains milk. My wheat germ still only may contain wheat.