Didn't Expect That When I Woke Up...

According to the thermometer, it was 7 degrees this morning when I left for work, via the dumpster to take my trash out. As I came down the stairs from my apartment, household waste in hand, I came face-to-squad car with not one, but two county sheriffs and a city police officer. One of the sheriffs, looking more bewildered than I am comfortable seeing my on-duty law enforcement personnel look, asked me if I had been the one who called them.

I am smarter than to backtalk anyone with a gun, not to mention I have immense respect for our police, but I almost wanted to ask him, "If I had called you, would I have come out to meet you carrying two bags of empty soda bottles, cat food cans, coffee grounds, and used tissues?"

Happy National Gorilla Suit Day!...

For a more thorough explanation of National Gorilla Suit Day, click here.

It cannot possibly be a coincidence that National Gorilla Suit Day is also the birthday of Franz Schubert, Norman Mailer, Carol Channing, Dick Gephardt, and Justin Timberlake (of 'N Sync and Brittany Spears fame). There's cosmic irony for you: Franz Schubert and Justin Timberlake with the same birthday. The universe does have a sense of humor, doesn't it?

Also on previous National Gorilla Suit Days:
-Guy Fawkes was executed for his role in Guy Fawkes Day
-Truman announced the hydrogen bomb
-General Robert E. Lee was named commander in chief of the confederate army
-The Germans announced unrestricted submarine warfare in WWI
-Americans finally got a satellite into orbit

For Further Reading...

Click here for the New York Times article that will explain a little more about the two sides in the Acronym War, without referring to the wholesale slaughter of cute little bunny rabbits. They do not name the SAFE Act, but that is the bill they are referring to.

War of the Acronyms

Are you ready to rumble?

In this corner, weighing in at 95 letters without spaces, 10 letters abbreviated, is the Uniting and Strengthening America by Providing Appropriate Tools Required to Intercept and Obstruct Terrorism Act (USA PATRIOT).

In the other corner, weighing in at 25 letters, 4 letters abbreviated, is the Security and Freedom Ensured Act (SAFE).

The SAFE Act aims to modify some of the provisions of the USA PATRIOT Act. I have not read either law/bill through, but from what I hear tell, the SAFE Act will negate some of the controversial provisions of the USA PATRIOT Act. Depending on whose side you listen to, the SAFE Act will either gut the governments ability to catch terrorists plotting to kill every American and drown sacks full of fluffy kittens and puppies afterward, or it will stop the government from putting a proctosigmoidiscope up the butts of every law-abiding citizen's library records to distract us while the tap our phone calls to Gramma.

For some reason, I don't believe either side.

Blurb You Won't See On the Back Of Norman Mailer's Books...

Also, I don't think my professor was expecting anyone to actually come out and say it in class:

"American Dream was the most colossal waste of 75 cents I've ever spent, and that includes when the vending machine ate my quarters."

The prof was speechless. He deserved it. Today, he got it into his head to call attendance using the full names as printed on the class roster, which in my case is my full name, though I never use my middle name in any context at all. The only time my middle name has ever came into play was when I was in really big trouble as a child, and that was long before I became a Harriett. As if announcing my middle name in front of 35 people I do not know wasn't enough, he decided to add his own editorial comment.

"Janet Lee Harriett. Whoa. Three first names."

Cool. Someone finally found a variation on the two first name comment that I've never heard before. "Actually, two last names." My Grammy's maiden name is Lee, as in Robert E.

He did not get the hint. "Well, it could be three first names."

"But it's not. It's two last names." I should know. It is my name, after all.

Back and forth like this for a while until he finally got the hint and moved on to the next unfortunate soul. I can't believe I am paying for this kind of treatment. I just keep telling myself I am not paying to like it, just to suffer through it long enough to get the degree. I only have to see this guy thirteen more times.

Stumping...

So there I was playing Mah Jongg and listening to John Kerry give his victory speech in New Hampshire when I realized the crowd was chanting the
catchphrase Kerry was about to say next. This seems to show two things:

1. Kerry needs to write a new stump speech, or at least mix it up and give his speech in a different order once in a while. When your supporters are giving your speech for you, it seems to indicate that you have not said anything new lately.

2. I get the distinct impression he's not reaching anyone new. He has groupies who can sing along with every one of his songs, but this anticipatory chanting gives me the impression that these are the Deadheads that follow him around. I'd like to see how many new people are at his speeches.

Also, I'm not sure anyone has explained the concept of CNN to Kerry. I've inadvertently heard him give the same speech at least three times, and I'm not particularly paying attention to news coverage. Having "the stump speech" worked when a whistlestop tour actually occurred on a train, before coast-to-coast media coverage, when candidates had to bring the message to the people. Now, the 24-hour news networks follow candidates around like dogs follow a liver snap and broadcast any time they do anything interesting--and quite a bit of times when they aren't doing anything important. We've heard the stump speech when he gave it in Iowa. We need something new.

Primary Color...

I'm half listening to CNN fawning over the results of the New Hampshire primary. A comment Becca made on the phone last night points out a fundamental flaw in the primary system:

"You know, I heard that Washington's primary doesn't count, that it's all decided before the Washington primary."

She's half right. Democratic leadership has said that the nomination will be tied up by March 10, when 71% of the delegates will be assigned. Problem is, that is before 14 states hold their primaries. Washington holds its primary on March 2, so, Becca, your primary vote still "counts," but the following states might as well save money and forget about even holding primaries, as the nomination will essentially be locked up weeks--sometimes months--before their polls even open:

Illinois
Pennsylvania
Indiana
North Carolina
Nebraska
West Virginia
Wyoming
Arkansas
Kentucky
Oregon
Alabama
South Dakota
Montana
New Jersey

The staggered primary calendar allows candidates to campaign all over the country. However, the fundamental flaw is that there are states that must go last. When nominating conventions actually nominated a candidate rather than functioning as a kick-ass victory party and kickoff to the general election campaign, this was not as much of a problem. But now that the convention is a formality, it disenfranchises some of the states.

Conversely, going first is not necessarily a big bonus. Those voters get a lot of attention, but if new information comes to light now, the voters of Iowa and New Hampshire have locked their votes.

Irony Alert...

Thank you, Becca, for pointing out the mind-blowing irony of me complaining about the cold weather on a site called freakin' Penguin Perspectives. And thank you to everyone who has pointed out to me the relative merits of powdered laundry detergent. Should the block of ice in my All Free And Clear jug ever defrost so I can use it up, I will replace it with powder.

On the subject of soap and Becca and shameless commerce, if anyone out there is looking for an interesting gift idea, Becca makes the best handcrafted soap you'll ever use. The soaps are double-milled goat milk, milked by hand from cruelty-free goats with no added hormones. She also has whole-milk goat milk lotion. I will be posting her shameless commerce website as soon as it is up. If you'd like to find out more, email her at HomesteadLuxuries@yahoo.com.

The Letters Are Out...

My letters to the Democratic candidates will go out in the morning's mail. I gave each of them a brief introduction to myself, explained that I understood their basic positions, and asked them each a question based on information on their positions published on their websites. With John Edwards, this was not an easy undertaking, as he has the most difficult website to navigate that I have seen in quite a while; however, we are not electing a web designer, so that is neither here nor there.

The questions were:
Of Kerry and Dean: both have detailed stances of protecting women from domestic violence. I asked if they would extend that rhetoric to cover the male victims of domestic violence as well.
Of Clark: I asked how his tax plan would affect families with no children, as his website's family tax plan benefit calculator, where you can see how his tax proposal benefits you, does not allow for an option of zero children. I pointed out that, as of 1995 Census records, 51% of all families do not include children under 18.
Of Edwards: I asked which of his proposed programs and changes he really believes he could implement, given that he would most likely be working with a legislature that does not have a decisive majority of his party.

The most important question I asked of all the candidates was for them to explain to me why I should vote for them, rather than simply voting against Bush.

Stay posted for results, if any.

Political Experimentation...

I'm not usually a Democrat, but I'm going to become one to vote in the Democratic primary, since I've already decided in November that I'm not voting for Bush and I'd like a hand in choosing for whom I will vote. I have decided to write to the four candidates I am seriously considering--Kerry, Dean, Clark, and Edwards, not in that order--to make an informed decision on my vote for March 2. I intend to make my letters form-letter-reply proof, or at least make them such that it will be very obvious if they send me a form letter reply. I'm tired of candidates sucking up hardest to people in Iowa and New Hampshire. Whoever gets my vote in the late-in-the-race Ohio primary is going to have to work for it. If they don't think it's worth working for, I don't think they're worth giving it to.

The thing is, I am very hard to suck up to as a voter. I'm not really part of any of the main voting blocs that candidates cater to:
-I am married with no children or intentions of ever having any, so all of their initiatives to help middle class families are lost on me.
-I'm middle class and think I'm doing quite well, so I don't need more "relief" from the government.
-I am not particularly religious and to the extent that no one is being harmed, I think the government should stay out of moral issues.
-I an 25 years old have made my peace with Social Security not being there for me when I retire (the last time I checked, the insolvency date was around my 64th birthday), and am making my own retirement plans accordingly. I know I have to pay into it to help people of my grandparents' generation, but I really don't care what they do with a program that will be bust by the time I'm eligible.
-I don't particularly mind paying taxes to support needed programs. I'd like to see them trim unnecessary programs, but necessary is in the eye of the beholder.
-I have no real connections to the major industries in my state. They won't get my support by locking their lips on the backsides of the manufacturing or mining industries. People rarely see office workers as a voting bloc.

I plan to explain all of this to each candidate, ask for clarification on particular issues in their platforms, then ask them the big question:
"I've already decided to vote against Bush. Why should I vote for you?"

I will post results and replies as they come in.

The Wide World of Laundry...

My mother had me doing my own laundry from about the time I was tall enough to reach into the washer. In all that time, today was the first time I have ever turned anything pink, in spite of consistently integrating my laundry in ways that would make Strom Thurmond steam. If it had only been the sock whose elastic was shot, or the Fruit of the Looms, it would have been OK. No, I had to go all out and turn Elie's business-blue dress shirt partially business-purple. Not entirely purple, which also would have been workable. Just the back of the collar and right cuff.

Wouldn't you know, the one time I throw an item in without looking at the washing instruction is the one time they weren't kidding about "machine wash cold." The kicker: I still didn't get the spot out of the front of my jacket.

Stir Crazy...

It's been three weeks since I have seen grass. The thermometer hasn't registered above 30 degrees for 20 days now. Someone needs to invent a muffler, scarf or nose warmer that does not drive one's breath up over one's eyeglasses, where it frosts over. A layer of salt covers everything outdoors and up to four feet inside doors. I want a thaw so I can wash my car and remember what color it is without the salt and road grime. No matter how much almond oil I slather on, my skin is still painfully dry and chaffed from being subjected to thermal underwear. I thought the slushee laundry detergent (see my January 7 entry in the archives) was as frozen as it would get. I was wrong. It was frozen solid today. Solid.

Bring on the Groundhog. I'm ready for spring.

Sweater Update

I'm not sure what the deal is with the Wesley Clark argyle sweater auction, but the high bid is down to just over $5,000.

Presidential Visits...

President Bush's visit last Wednesday to "a community college near Toledo" caused a few, ahem, problems for some of the instructors at the school I work for, who also teach courses at Owens, the community college Bush visited. Karen says I need to ask one about her experience, but another told me how the security precautions wreaked havoc on classes being held on the second floor of the building in which the President gave his address to 300 invited guests. Anyone entering the building, whether one of the guests or a student who needed to go to class, had to go through a metal detector to get in. When I say "a metal detector," I mean A metal detector. One. Singular. Fewer than two available metal detectors to screen 300 invited guests for the speech and students who paid good money to attend classes. This in addition to having half of the parking on campus cordoned off for security purposes, exacerbating an already tight supply of available parking on campus.

Seems that every time the President goes somewhere to have a good backdrop for his speeches, his visit produces the exact opposite effect of whatever he is talking about. He went to an aircraft carrier to announce that the mission was accomplished and our troops were coming home, thus delaying the homecoming of the troops on that ship. He went to a factory to announce a strong economy, forcing the factory to shut down for an entire day and costing workers a day's wages. He went to a community college to announce a program to retrain workers in community colleges, and effectively prohibited people from going to classes they need to be retrained for new occupations.

This is probably not a problem exclusive to the Bush administration. I imagine security for any presidential visit, no matter who the president, causes the same local problems. Still, one can't help but notice the practical costs of having a nifty backdrop for speeches rather than the Oval Office.

A Word on the State of Health Care...

Having recently joined the ranks of the insured, health-wise, I am now searching for a primary care physician. I'm reasonably healthy, but a physician strikes me as one of those things one ought to arrange to have before one actually needs it, like a casket and snacks at the wake. My insurance has one of those Preferred Provider networks, and, in the absence of anyone who might give me much of a recommendation, I am largely basing my decision on the following criteria:
1. Doctor is on the list of network physicians provided by my health plan.
2. Doctor must be female. Nothing against men. That's just the way I am.
3. Doctor's office must be convenient.

I found what seemed to be the perfect office: two female family practitioners on the list of "currently accepting new patients" whose office I can literally see from my bedroom window, but who were not in the office next door that has the Lamborghini parked out front in the summer and the Hummer in the winter, which says something about that doctor's rates. This afternoon, I called up their office--after getting the answering service at 2 p.m. with a message that clearly states the office is open 9 a.m. to 5:00 p.m.--since sometimes those preferred provider lists are a bit outdated. I was completely unprepared for the conversation with the receptionist.

Me: "Are the doctors still accepting new patients? I'm needing to choose a new doctor."
Receptionist: "That depends on your insurance."
Me: "Medical Mutual of Ohio"
Receptionist: "Then, yes."

I never quite realized what a gamble my year-plus (this time) on the "don't get sick" health plan really was. Also, I am still looking for a primary care physician.

Away From Politics...

And on to the ultimate chick topic: shoe shopping. I have been trying to replace my black dress shoes. I have determined that women's shoe makers are no longer even pretending to make the enite shoe anymore. Everything is either toe-less or heel-less.

More SOTU...

Items in italics are lifted directly from the transcript of the State of the Union Address.

"Productivity is high. And jobs are on the rise. "
1,000 new jobs in a month, in an economy that requires several dozen times that number just to keep up with the growth of the workforce, still, technically qualifies as a "rise."

"For the sake of job growth, the tax cuts you passed should be permanent."
First of all, thanks for going on the ultimate record saying what opponents of these taxes suspected was the plan all along: give an expiration date to lower the apparent cost, then pressure congress into removing the expiration dates. Second, see previous excerpt.

"So tonight I propose a series of measures called Jobs for the 21st Century. This program will...invite math and science professionals from the private sector to teach part-time in our high schools."
I'll be convinced when he finds some "math and science professionals" willing to use their Ph.D.'s to get paid what a high school teacher gets paid.

"We will double federal funding for abstinence programs, so schools can teach this fact of life: Abstinence for young people is the only certain way to avoid sexually transmitted diseases."
I sure hope that education program is taught by one of the abovementioned science professionals, so kids have all the facts. I also hope the curriculum treats abstinence like it does every other method of contraception and STD prevention: make sure students know that it can fail, and there are consequences when it does. True that when used consistently and correctly, abstinence is more effective than safe sex, but--as happens out there in the real world--methods are not always applied consistently and correctly.

Also on the agenda: funding for drug testing in schools, essentially requiring students to pee in a cup in order to take standardized tests. The only difference is the peeing in a cup has a budget; the educational imperatives do not.

From Last Night's State of the Union Address...

The following two excerpts from Bush's State of the Union Address come about 2 pages apart in the transcript of the speech, which runs about 11 pages. The bold type is added for emphasis.

"....the Patriot Act, which allows federal law enforcement to better share information, to track terrorists, to disrupt their cells, and to seize their assets. For years, we have used similar provisions to catch embezzlers and drug traffickers. If these methods are good for hunting criminals, they are even more important for hunting terrorists."

"I know that some people question if America is really in a war at all. They view terrorism more as a crime, a problem to be solved mainly with law enforcement and indictments. After the World Trade Center was first attacked in 1993, some of the guilty were indicted, tried, convicted, and sent to prison. But the matter was not settled. The terrorists were still training and plotting in other nations, and drawing up more ambitious plans. After the chaos and carnage of September 11th, it is not enough to serve our enemies with legal papers. "

Iowa...

I watched the Iowa caucuses last night and two things struck me about media coverage:

1. Despite the process being about as interesting as watching cheese mold, the CNN reporters acted as though this were the second coming of the Beatles. One actually said, "We're watching history being made!" No, at that point we were watching people in Dubuque count to 47. Before that, we were watching an older lady tell a living room full of Iowans that they had to do the political business before they could have a glass of wine (remember: politics first, intoxicating substances second). That caucus had some yummy-looking brownies, though, which would have been more honest reporting than what we were getting.

2. Larry King is media's lead pirhana, but they're all following the pack. He decides what answer he wants his interviewee to give and won't let go until they say it. I noticed this first during his interview with Heidi Fleiss a year or so ago. He wanted her to come out and say she's had lesbian encounters in prison; she kept giving him variations on "none of your damned business," but he just wouldn't get the hint and move on to a more substantive topic. Last night, as he interviewed Howard Dean, he must have decided that Dean needed to be disappointed by a third-place finish in the caucuses. Dean was trying to tell Larry King that his campaign made a respectable enough showing to move on to the next race, and there are 49 states left. Larry King would not be content with that answer. He kept hammering until Dean said something to the effect of "Sure, we wish we'd come in first"--of course, Kucinich probably wished he came in first, too--and King and the others jumped all over it as proof that Dean was disappointed with his placing third, despite what Dean had repeated for five minutes before that. When Dean congratulated the first and second place finishers, he "all but conceded the race."

I have determined that, from now on, I am not listening to media analysis or looking at polls. Anything that affects my opinion on any of the candidates must come from primary sources.

Sweater Watch...

Wesley Clark's argyle sweater is now up to $14,000.

Following suit (sweater?), a broke Information Technology professional in Minnesota is trying to auction a striped, apparently cable-knit sweater for $6,000. Click here to see. As of this writing, he hasn't gotten any bids.